Eruditely Helpless
by Clumsy Giraffe
Summary: A set of drabble one-shots where Zack is presented with social situations that he involuntarily fails in. But he tries, oh he tries, and maybe that's why what he says or does backfires so bad...
1. Of Suits and Compliments

_AN: Because there needs to be more stuff written about the geekily-adorable King of the Lab. And I'm only going to say this once: I don't own the television series Bones. Also, if any of you have ideas/requests, don't be afraid to tell me, I can always use the inspiration :)

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**Situation #1 : Of Suits and Compliments**

Looking up as he entered his boss' office, Zack almost stopped as he saw Agent Booth contently sitting on Dr. Brennan's couch, absently staring at the wall ahead of him, obviously waiting for Dr. Brennan for her to finish up what needed to be done here for their most recent case. He, now slightly hesitantly, went to her desk and placed the folder of information in front of her, Bones' attention drawn to it as she opened it and began reading it without a word. As she read it, Zack dared to glance over his shoulder only to see Booth's vision had turned on him, causing the assistant to almost jump in shock.

Turning around in a hurry, Booth's eyes still on him (one of his eyebrows now raised in question at his sudden turn), Zack opened his mouth and tried to think of something rational and understandable to say to the FBI agent to be polite. Thinking back to once when Angela had told him that guys liked to be praised even more then girls, the genius focused on the first thing that caught his eye, it being the no-doubt expensive suit Booth was wearing.

"That is a very satisfactory suit Agent Booth," he managed to finally get out.

The older man only narrowed his eyes, and Zack innerly paniced as he knew it wasn't a good sign.

"It successfully accentuates your figure," he tried to reitterate, remembering again something Angela had told him that guys were usually self-absorbed with their outlook.

This time, Booth's eyes widened dramatically and he stood quickly, looking over at Bones, who was still reading the file, and saying in a hurry, "Bones, it's time to go. I think your squint is hitting on me."

"I'm not trying to _harm_ you," Zack said in confusion, as always taking the literal meaning to Booth's words, "I am merely trying to please and capture your favor."

"NOW Bones!"


	2. Of Coffee and Menstrual Cycles

**Situation #2 : Of Coffee and Menstrual Cycles**

Zack Adddy stared up at the colorfully decorated boards of Starbucks, a hand to his chin as he rubbed it in thought. Was it exactly necessary for such an over-the-top, rainbow-colored display to be made when he simply wanted a list of the beverages available at this overpriced food-chain?

"Don't know what to get?" a voice sounded from his right, causing him to turn his head to see a bouncy blond at his side, thoughts of numerous, distracting colors gone for the moment.

"Ah," he drifted off as he saw her bright green eyes, "I don't usually come here."

She giggled into her hand, causing the genius' eyes to widen in shock as he supposed he'd just involuntarily amused the opposite sex (if only for a few moments), before she said, "Yeah, I would have remembered your face. I come here about twice a day."

"You really shouldn't do that," the brown haired squint said in a hurry, "Coffee interferes with the absorption of supplemental iron, making females susceptible to anemia or sickness during their menstal cycle."

The blond blinked up at Zack in shock, not a trace of her smile from before visible anymore.

"You're not on your menstal cycle are you?" he asked, his brown eyes blinking innocently.

_Five minutes later..._

"Dude, where's the coffee?" Hodgins asked Zack as he got back into the car, empty handed.

The young man, in return, blinked before sighing and saying, "I'm not allowed entrance into that establishment anymore."


	3. Of Questions and 3D Glasses

**Situation #3 : Of Questions and 3-D Glasses**

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Zack looked up from the movie summary he'd been reading to the teenager who had just asked the question.

"I will answer to my greatest ability, yes."

After raising an eyebrow at his odd wording, the stranger continued on with, "So I was looking at this horror movie," he said as he held up the newly released 'My Bloody Valentine in 3-D' for Zack to see, "and I was wondering whether you've seen it and if it's any good in your opinion and stuff."

"Ah, yes," Zack said as he remembered this film he and Hodgins had seen a little while ago in theatures, "I have partaken in the viewing of that particular movie."

"What'd you think 'bout it?" the young man asked in interest.

The genius youth turned away for a few seconds in thought before saying, "In actuality, that movie was a disappointment for me. When the villain uses his pick-ax or assorted weapon, blood does not come out in such a flashy, spraying way and in such initial large amounts. Blood in itself is much thicker then the fake substitute they used. In addition, when he cuts or de-limbs his victims, bone and organ placement is not fully correct or visually acceptable, making the movie even less realistic. Even with the addition of the 3-D glasses, it is nothing similar to real-life."

"H-How do you know all this?" the boy said in fear now as he took a step away from Zack.

Zack blinked down at him before saying, "I deal with murder on a frequent basis."

At seeing the youth's eyes further widen and for him to continue to shrink away, Zack flashed him a smile in an attempt to calm him before offering, "If you need further assistance, please do not hesitate in the least to ask."

Yet his smile and words it did the opposite of what the forensic anthropologist had wanted as she boy threw the movie in the air before screaming and running out of the movie store.


	4. Of Hallmark Cards and Hearts

**Situation #4 : Of Hallmark Cards and Hearts**

Zack furrowed his brow at the problem ahead of him. Tomorrow was the official six month mark for his good friends Hodgins and Angela anniversary of dating and he had yet to pick out a card to accompany the gift he'd already picked out. So, here he was, surrounded by women from the age of twenty to seventy looking for a card that wouldn't completely baffle and frustrate him as he tried to understand its meaning yet also get the job done of saying 'congratulations' in some festive manner.

"Oh goodness, I wonder if there's one of those funny, super cheesy cards," a woman nearby said as Zack reached forward to open a card.

Usually, he wouldn't dare come to such a place, especially one full of women, and he was beginning to get fidgety in nervousness even though he'd only been browsing for two minutes. If only he could find the right card...

"I really like that phrase '_The way to a man's heart is through his stomach_' because it's just cute and true! That's how I hooked my hubby's attention on our third date."

"But it's totally wrong, the way to his heart is through his _pants_."

By this time, Zack's interest was perked through the second statement of getting to a heart through pants; that was just ludicrous.

"It is highly improbably of being able to get to a man's heart through his 'pants' as you claim," Zack couldn't help but voice his thoughts as he put back a card and pulled out another, this one heavy on the glitter as some of it filtered down on the floor.

This caused the two middle-aged women to turn to him, the first who had talked asking, "So you believe me, right? A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

The repeated phrase caused Zack to turn to them before saying after a few moments of thought, "That is plausible."

"Hah! See? He agrees with _me_," the woman shot to her friend smuggly.

"It is simple enough to get to the heart through the stomach," Zack continued on, "All a person has to do is stab in and then thrust up. That way, the knife or weapon isn't impaired by the rib cage."

The two women stopped their pointless bickering to stare at the young genius in a mix of shock and disgust. Feeling their eyes on him, he turned to them and said, "So I agree with you, it is possible to get to a man's heart by the stomach."

As the brown-haired youth turned back to the rows of cards, the two woman slunk away.

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_AN: I actually wrote this before seeing the finale, I find it ironic now DX_


	5. Of Adolescents and Fascination

**Situation #5 : Of Adolescents and Fascination**

"So this is the skull? It's really _real_?"

At the question, Zack tilted his head to the side slightly and said, "Of course it's real. It's not a figure of your imagination if that is what you're concerned about."

"This is SO cool! It's way better then that finger!" Parker continued on, oblivious of Zack's confusion at his statement (and wondering if it was grammatically correct).

But the young genius didn't have a lot of time for contemplation as suddenly the door of the remains room flew open, a disheaved Booth being revealed with an obviously amused Bones.

"What are you showing my son?!" he seethed as he stomped over to the barely shorter male, his steps making the ground slightly reverberate with the power (and menace) he was emitting. The genius opened his mouth to object that it was he who had asked him to take care of his son for a few hours, but as he could see the special agent's face was getting redder and redder each passing second, he decided to close it.

And Zack concluded, at that moment, that the myth of your life flashing through your eyes was indeed just that: a _myth_. Because, as Booth loomed over him with hands raised, he really felt like his life had come to an end and he saw nothing but Booth's narrowed eyes and glaring teeth.

_Some time later..._

The brown-haired forensic anthropologist sighed as he leaned back into the bench at the park, his eyes having been following Hodgins and Angela recklessly (didn't they knew that at the right angle, projection rate, and situation the dangerous disk could knock you out?) throwing around a frisby for a little. He felt, after today's work where he was sure Booth would have strangled him if not for Bones' interference, he deserved some time to simply sit and be thankful he was alive and fully functional.

Feeling a sudden tug at his jeans, he looked down to see a small girl holding a popsicle, melted drops from it falling onto her little hand that held the wooden stick.

Looking around fantically, not knowing what to do, he was about to call out to his best friend when the girl said, "I'm bored."

"W-Where is your Mother or Father?" he asked after he swallowed in hesitation.

"Over there, now show me something cool Mister," she continued with wide eyes and now a smile, her seemingly forgotten icecream still melting away in the later afternoon sun.

Zack looked over to where she had pointed and saw a woman wave at him, at to which he hesitantly lifted a hand back. Turning back to the girl, he stared at her in thought of what to show her that would be 'cool.' And then, like usual, his brilliant brain lit up with an idea.

Quickly going into his messenger bag at his side, he pulled out a few pictures and showed them to the girl, saying, "This was a human skeleton my team and I found in a freezer, so I suppose it's really 'cool' like you asked for."

The girl stared at it for a few moments before her partially frozen treat fell from her hands and she looked at Zack with wide eyes. He wondered if that was an unbelieving expression on her face as she said, "_Wow_ mister."

Not knowing what to say, he simply gave a smile. He was glad he'd been able to take care of Parker today (even though his life almost ended because of it), because he now knew just how to grab kids of his age's interests.

Too bad his inflated ego was shattered to smithereens when the child's Mother came over a few minutes later and screamed bloody-murder at the sight of Zack continuing to show pictures of the frozen, half-decomposed corpses and de-thawed bones to her young daughter.


	6. Of Raconteurs and Grammar Nazis

**Situation #6 : Of Raconteurs and Grammar Nazis**

Zack had been diligently working on his newest skeleton when Hodgins and Booth walked in, joyously laughing as if they'd been fresh from a live comedy stand-up.

"Z-man, Z-man," Hodgins said between his pants to get air back into his needing lungs, "Booth just told me the best story _ever_!"

Interest perked at such a bold declaration, the twenty-odd year old put down the vertebra he was inspecting and turned to his best friend and boss' (supposed) love interest, asking, "May I also have the privilege of knowing this tale?"

"Alright," Booth said as he wiped a few tears away, "So, get this, me and Bones were-"

"Bones and _I_."

At the sudden interruption from Zack, Booth's voice instantly died and he shut his mouth before turning to the anthropologist, reopening it to say, "What?"

"You used the wrong grammatical method," Zack said simply.

Booth's deep brown eyes narrowed slightly at the squint as he said, "Well I like to talk the way I talk."

"Then you're not using proper English, which is quite despondent considering you're an officer of this country and that is our official language," Zack spewed out quickly.

"What_ever_," Booth said like a teenager, which he was still at heart, before saying, "So me and Bones were at the-"

"Bones and I," Zack repeated his interruption just as he had the first time.

Last time, Booth had become silent, yet this time he repeated right away, with a slight growl, "Me and Bones."

"Bones and I."

"ME and Bones!" he now full out yelled, causing the genius to look at him in mute shock.

"Bones and I," Zack repeated for the fourth time calmly, the utter opposite to that of Booth.

"URGH! Forget it you crazy grammar nazi!" the special agent yelled out to the ceiling as he turned and quickly left, leaving the two squints to themselves.

Hodgins, who had been silent this entire time, turned to Zack and said, "Dude, this is why I say your social aptitude is two percent."

"You said three percent last time," Zack corrected as he turned back to his bones, thinking that if the story was so great Booth should have told it correctly so he could confer with it.

"Yeah, well, it went down. _Again_," the bearded man said in return, not having enough restraint to hold back his incredulous snort at the situation.

Zack's eyebrows furrowed in annoyance now. He looked up and informed, "He called me a _nazi._ How do you think I feel about _that_? Being associated with one of the worst calamities in human history isn't something to be passive about; _he's_ the one whose social aptitude you should subtract from!"


End file.
